Commercials for dicks who drive big-ass pick up trucks and eat at Carl’s Jr.

Posted in Uncategorized by johnwildman on January 6, 2009

I had to postpone what I had intended as my next subject because I just happened to witness two commercials back-to-back which featured blatant, unadulterated marketing to dickheads.

Now, dedicated asshole marketing is nothing new. I think my most recent favorite (until this two-for) was the “Be a Prick, Drive a Hummer” campaign. My favorite commercial in the series was the one where a woman complains to a Mother Hummer after the woman’s brat cuts in front of the first lady’s kid to ride a jungle gym slide. Rather than apologize, or do anything about her hell spawn, the Mother Hummer tells her to buzz off. So, what happens? Despite the fact that not a jury in the land would convict her if she went all Jason Statham on this harpy’s ass, our nice mom gets her own Hummer (and presumably signs up for an extension course in puppy kicking technique) because in Hummer land, better to join ‘em, suck up as much gas as you can and take up as many parking spots as you can rather than point out their dickishness. “Oh, look – there’s that pretty signature shot of the earth from space. I think you can see Hummers tearing through the rainforests from here.”

But back to tonight: So it began with an ad for some absurdly large pick up truck, the kind that if you don’t live in the country (and I mean real country – not some gated community with show ponies crap), legitimately haul A LOT of stuff ALL OF THE TIME, or have to ferry small families fleeing avalanche, floods or zombies – you have no business owning. EVER. So the commercial begins with some nerdy dad-type with a gut climbing down from the back of his truck using a ladder attachment built into it. That’s when Howie Long steps into frame and ridicules the guy for having to use this ladder thingie. Because, clearly this guy with his normal sized truck and his ladder is a pussy. Long might as well be sporting a letterman jacket along with that bed-of-nails brushcut he’s had since the Raiders last had a winning season. His monolithic truck looking like it just took the fifth at a steroids hearing. Apparently gas is cheap once again…

And then, batting cleanup (and I use that word for a reason) is a guy enjoying a typically sloppy Carl’s Jr. meal. He’s at a garage while his truck is being worked on. The voiceover dude fills us in that our guy (apparently more charming when he isn’t playing burger Tetris with his mouth) just got caught by one of the three women who believed she was his only girlfriend. On cue the camera shows us some guys cleaning the “cheater” graffiti that Carrie Underwood scrawled on his car. And they’re nodding to each other and smiling to themselves because, hey- you know, he’s a pimp, right? I mean, not only does he need a bib stitched onto his shirt but he puts the women in their place – which after he’s done with them is apparently next to his ride with a can of spray paint. Hey, after all – we’re selling burgers to dickheads not smart guys. Maybe if they don’t finish in time, he can get a ride from the other Carl’s Jr. loser that tells his girlfriend he’s taking her out for a steak dinner. And then… (hold on a second, because this is f-ing hilarious) she gets all dressed up just to find out they’re going to the corner Carl’s Jr.

I don’t know, can you high five a TV set? Cause that dude is awesome!

Now, if I can just find some puppies to kick…


One Response

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  1. Dan Jones said, on January 10, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Ha! Burger Tetris. I’m going to have to use that. Nice to see you blogging John!

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