“RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN? How about Race to Original and not Mediocre Mountain?”

Posted in Uncategorized by johnwildman on February 6, 2009

Here’s the deal: I haven’t even seen this movie. Just the trailer. And already – exhausted by it. Just worn out, because it’s just so rote and over and “what is the point, really?”

I’ll start with something I put on my facebook status thing today: Enough with the car or truck or train slow motion crumple effect as it hits the superhuman guy or girl standing in its path. Whether it’s HANCOCK or that silly-ass Abercrombie & Fitch pretty teens with way too much supernatural power on their hands movie, THE COVENANT to this damn thing, every time I see that slow motion crumple effect I just want some cop to be around to give that person a jay walking ticket or something. You know, just get to the other side damn side of the street already. Fine, you can’t be budged because you’re all powerful – we get it. Now, how about looking both ways before you cross next time? The only time I want to see that effect again, is if they do it with a kid riding his big wheel.

Anyway, here’s the one liner: A UFO expert enlists the help of a cabbie to protect two siblings with paranormal powers from the clutches of an organization that wants to use the kids for their nefarious plans.

Did I mention it was Disney? Would I even need to? Look, I know the kids need something exciting to watch sans f-bombs and boobies. But seriously, they already Escaped from Witch Mountain and then Returned to Witch Mountain. Is it really necessary to Race to it yet again? How about this – Let’s Race To the WALL-E DVD and watch that movie again!

Here’s the other thing that sucks about this movie: Dwayne Johnson and Carla Gugino are in it.

And that’s sad.

Because I not only like them as actors when they’re onscreen, I feel for them as actors that get stuck in crap like this because they obviously are much too nice to say “no” to it.

Let’s start with Dwayne Johnson: The Artist Formely Known as The Rock. RUNDOWN, the WALKING TALL remake. Those films almost define not-so-guilty pleasure popcorn good time movies. And who else was more of the heir apparent to the action lead throne? Vin Diesel? Right, if the preparation for every role was: What if (fill-in-the-blank) was also a douchebag bouncer at a club…? As in, “Vin, you’ll be playing an ex-Secret Service agent assigned to protect the President’s daughter.” Or, “Vin, in this film, you’ll be portraying Picasso during his “Blue” period.” Then Vin says (in either case), “Okay. But what if he was also…”

Re you with me?

And Johnson will do anything a director asks. And it doesn’t matter who the director is. Don’t believe me? Watch BE COOL or SOUTHLAND TALES. He’s game. He’ll dance around for you, he’ll do those acting and breathing exercises they made you do in college. Doesn’t matter. Truth or dare? The Rock will always pick dare. But someone needs to tell him it’s okay to say “no” once and awhile. You don’t have to buy the bag of oranges every time from the guy on the corner and you don’t have to do every single Hackney, uhm…Disney movie that comes along.

And then there’s Carla Gugino. Great. Beautiful, Versatile. Hot. I can’t tell you how many times I see her in a movie and my first reaction is “Carla Gugino’s in this?! Well, okay…I’ll leave it on this channel two more seconds…”

Two words: SIN CITY.

I think there were some other actresses in that film, but I KNOW she was in it. Because she insisted on playing a character as well as letting Robert Rodriguez properly glorify her body. Sometimes she’s sneaky that way.

And then there are films like SNAKE EYES with Nic Cage and THE ONE with Jet Li, which I believe are some kind of requirement that SAG makes actresses do to get full dental coverage or something. Remember TIME COP with Jean Claude Van Damme? I’m pretty sure Gloria Reuben needed some bridge work done at that time. Then there’s the SPY KIDS movies and TV up the ass. In fact I think that was the title of one of her series: UP THE ASS. It was on the Spike Network for 6 weeks. Co-starred Curtis Armstrong (“Booger” from REVENGE OF THE NERDS) and one of the Coreys.

She just isn’t appreciated enough or she has some veneer work from hell, because she deserves much better. They both do. But instead, they’ll play costumes and action with two “who-are-they” cookie cutter Disney kids in a babysitter movie that will eventually be put on a “package DVD with BEDTIME STORIES.

Because that’s such a deal.

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